Sunday, December 25, 2011

a letter

to the one i have always loved,
i hope she will make you happy.
mazal tov on your wedding day....
- your first wife

Night Before

its not my night
wont be my day
not my event
no smile 
pasted on my face

no dress
no shoes
no hair
no makeup
no dip
no manicure
no family
no cameras
no video
no food
no friends
no butterflies
no excitement

its not my night
wont be my day
not my event
no smile
pasted on my face

no aisle
no chairs
no wine
no hands
no water 
no door
no pictures
no hat
no dance
no joy
no song
no hands
no limo

its not my night 
wont be  my day
not my event
no smile 
pasted on my face

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Broken Human Being

do u think they ever cared about u?
of course
they do in their demented way                   
im not naive
so maybe they r just doing the best they know how
i know they love me
maybe not my mom
shes not capable
but my dad does
thats something
yeah well its not
its like if I love someonebut have never expressed it
what good is that??
i do love
i love lots
so much
my heart is bursting w emotion
just not that anyone can handle
so there is hope for u
but i cant feel it from others
so theres no hope
do u know how mushtherapy ive been in
and the dif kinds
yeah my hands and legs so i couldnt escape
thats when my parents and the psychiatrist were on the same pagei got put on meds they were gonna start taking care of me and paying attentionto me
there was a suicide plan
and then the next day the hospital called and said they had akidney for my mom for transplant
and once again i was forgotten about
started hoarding my pills. never took them. went out of control.ran away and no one noticed me
my mom was so sick
sound familiar?
and u think im loveable
im a hater
the only ppl that i let in are children
i believe u can be loveable
if u wanted
well theres only burnt ashes
u can thank my dad for that
hes just crazy
that hes incapable ofshowing love and being there for me
and being my father
when he is the onlyparent we ever really had
and ive have had tolearn not to rely on him or anyone for that matter
when really all iwanted or need is a hug or an i love u but he doesnt even call or look at me ortalk to me at all
he just ignores me
like i dont exist
so yeah, its prettyhard to function alone in this world
no i dont win
bc i should be a biggirl and use my fake tough girl act and just deal w it
and move on w my life
and stop letting themaffect me so much and ruin me to the core
and i have accomplishednothing
i am crippled

Monday, October 24, 2011

Left Behind

Almost gone from the body
Sucked out from the lunges
Threatening to suffocate
On its last wish

Fallen on the battlefield
Bleeding, wounded
Left behind
No survivors reported

At the players whim
Dispensable, expendable
Another piece of the “plan”
Then gone

Lodged in my chest
Consumed in my heart
Swallowed in my throat
Wedged in my stomach


Saturday, October 8, 2011

open ur hearts

:) Thank G-d, as of Thursday, I am officially divorced! I have chosen to share this news with all of you and not just my divorced ladies because I want you all to share in my freedom and happiness. I was able to go into Yom Kippur as a free woman, no longer bonded to a life that I wasn't living. I was able to feel some inspiration, which I haven't felt in a long time. I feel very lucky.

I have some thoughts that I want to share with you. Sukkos is coming up and there are six meals for first days and six meals for second days. In total that is 12 meals that you wonderful woman will be making for your families. You will sitting in your beautiful sukkas with your husbands and children and enjoying your yom tov. I know too many women who don't have meals for the upcoming holiday. Who eat a deli sandwich before Friday night and then go to sleep for most of Shabbos. Who miss havdalah a lot of weeks. my request for you is not to feel quilty or to be upset by what I'm writing. It is to be aware and open up your eyes. If there is an almana or divorced woman or man in your neighborhood, give them a call. Have your husband go up to him in shul and ask him what meal he's coming for. It means the world to us. You would be shocked to know how little invites we get. But we smile through it anyways.

If you want to know people in your neighborhood, I know plenty.

Thank you for taking the time to listen.

confused guy

  • hey how was your fast..just wanted to say that as a 25 year old if u wanted to end things do it the right way instead of crying. i didnt even know we were going not mad or anything its just if u have to say something to me do it without crying. if the crying was an act it was a good one. i think youre a good person and maybe the long distance thing is too much. one thing more: were u angry that i said no to u coming this sat night? actually i was going to come to u on monday so we can discuss this but it doesnt matter now . i wish u luck with everything and may this year bring only good things. be well 

Sunday, September 25, 2011


u have robbed me
why cant i feel u
where r u
why cant i be a part of it
i miss real shabbos
i miss feeling it
i miss emotion
i miss singing
and spirituality
and the beauty
i miss belonging
even though i hate belonging
but i miss having a shabbos table
and cooking
and my chulent
and baking challah
and having guests at my table
and friends
and being invited
and the shabbos smell
u have robbed me
im alone
shabbos why have u left me
all i want to do is cry
u are an ordinary day
but i know there is more to you
there is meaning
but i feel nothing
and everyone has family around
and friends
and food
and children
and love
shabbos you have robbed me
where are you
i miss your beauty
i miss ur purpose

o shabbos where have you gone?

to my monkey

we sing and dance
and you giggle with joy
you kick your legs
and shake your hands


but you are not mine
you are someone elses

i give you a bottle
you wrap your tiny little hand
around my finger
and squeeze

you fall asleep
while you are in my arms
i gently place you
in the swing

turn on some music
and watch you for a while
a yawn
your little eyelids flutter

but you are not mine
you are someone elses

i hear a little cry
you see me and smile
two teeth peek out
wait to be picked up

i snuggle you
and tickle you
and we both laugh
we go outside and see birds

but then the day is over
the clock strikes 5
a knock on the door
and i remember

because you are not mine
you are someone elses

your mommy comes
and she kisses you
she missed you so much
and takes you home

and i go home alone
with no one
and you are at home
with your mommy

i am not your mommy
and when i stop watching you
you wont remember me
just like all the other kids

because you are not mine
you are someone elses

dear ex-friend

who are you and what happened
what did i ever do to you
what did the world to to you
to make you this hateful person

you have buried yourself alive
and yet you continue
to drag me in with you
or is it me that jumps in

why are you so unhappy
does he beat you
lock you up in your house
not let you wear dark nail polish

o wait thats my fault
that friends dont talk to you
cant stand your face
or when you enter a room

you walk by me
look the other way
say i dont exist
im not a person

i will continue to say hello
be cordial
take the high road
and not let you win

you will not succeed
cannot break my heart
live in your bubble
i will move on

you were my best friend
we were supposed to raise our kids together
i hope you are happy
i loved you like a sister

but no more
i will let go


Monday, September 12, 2011

decision time

cant go back
cant change that decision
once you do
you can never go back

you order that dish
pay for that food
and there it is
staring straight at you

you might be the one
who thinks about it
or the one
who could care less

might have had 
a drink or two
been influenced
or totally on your own

but once you do
theres no looking back
cant say you never have
no longer in that club

one more step
spiraling down
cannot claim to hold on
to what was before

a strength that was
for so very long
no more in place
gone for a long time

cant go back.
you can never go back.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

red heifer

I HATE IGNORANT PEOPLE!!!!! this is what this lady posted as her question on a website that i follow:

Would you let your daughter go out with a person who has a gene type that has a risk of a certain issue which can be eliminated if they do embryo selection for their children?

(The person is only a "carrier" but has a risk of having children that would be unhealthy without IVF.)

would only someone with another health problem be interested? or do you think if they had a couple dates and the guy tells the girl about this issue that she might be able to overlook it?

(Do you think the cost will be the issue? the fact that they can't conceive naturally, spontaniously etc? what do you see as the issues with this? or do you not have any problems with it?)

I think this is ridiculous! he deserves to have a good match. and why would u prevent ur daughter from going out with him if everything else makes sense?

MY FIRST RESPONSE:  make her break it off?!?

MY SECOND RESPONSE: I know that there are issues in my family... do I have to tell them on a first date? ex... history of many miscarriages, my brother is an ivf baby, diabetes, renal failure...

do I have to walk in with a sign on my forehead? and curse myself in advance???

plus dont forget that im divorced

so ppl like me would never be able to get married. bc mothers like u would never LET their kids date ppl with blemishes. (red heifer all over again )

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

response part 2

for  the warm wishes
i thank you

but i beg
never to judge
or assume
that you know
or understand
a situation

i am
a woman
i have
basic needs
like the rest

but they cannot
nor will not
be fulfilled
by anyone else
other than
a ghost

he does
not appear
in my dreams
my nightmares
where he remains


fellow poster chochmos nashim
Thank you for taking the time to read my writing
Choosing to respond in poem
Sage advice u have given

I am not Ur average woman
As you have called me
Not typical or common
Never have I fit in

Verbalize you suggest
To whom? Where? When?
Talking to walls
Silence is more effective

This husband you speak of
Where is he?
You say he'll listen
Sneak preview he leaves

Just letting you know......he leaves

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Hold Me.

cant sleep in the same bed
i stay awake
watch your eyelids flutter
as you snore all night

the couch is my friend
internet my companion
streetlights flicker outside
i sit up alone

i just want you to hold me
please hold me
yet i cant utter those words
i cant say them out loud

i need to cry
its been held in for so long
packed in deep inside
not shared with a soul

and you ask whats wrong
a classic "nothing"
you go back to bed
and i continue in my avoidance

how can i be angry
u cant read my mind
and yet im hurt
but its my own fault

when will someone understand

i just want to be loved.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

last night

last night
was the
first night
that i went
to sleep
before most
or at least
i normally

being tired
just isnt
something that
im used to

and even
if exhaustion
i cannot
or never
give in

its usually
2 or 3
in the
the world
is quiet

i can
shut my

as the
of sleep
beg to
hold on
to my

i awake
with a
at the
of my

the day
to look
and feel

i drink
my coffee
my nap
shut eye


last night
was the
first night
that i went
to sleep
before most
or at least
i normally

Tuesday, August 30, 2011


i got separated more than a year ago and have my get. still waiting for my civil divorce. yadayada. not the point. point is that i used to be extremely close to my inlaws and exes family. he is one of 12. there are more than 50 immediate family members (while i have 5). i was especially close to his mom. who i called mommy. she welcomed me as one of her 9 daughters, and considered me her 10th. we even talked till the day before she knew it was over. where she told how lucky she was to have me in the family and how happy i make her son. obviously not knowing what was about to happen.

fast forward the rest of the past year and his family does not talk to me, pretends i do not exist. me and my ex had an amicable divorce, we talk once in a while. but his family walk by me and pretend i am a ghost. not even a cordial hello. they pretend they didnt see me in the mall or in the super market. and my mother in law who i called mommy who i talked to every day.(who get this, was even my mikva lady) we have nothing to do with each other. and honestly it breaks my heart.

now fast forward to two weeks ago. my mother falls ill and who comes to visit her in the hospital? non other than my ex mother in law. what the fuck??? yeah the one who doesnt talk to me. but she goes to visit my mom!! and then she goes again at my parents house.

no im completely horrified offended and betrayed. why dont u stick that knife into my heart and twist it right into my open wound!!! with all due respect, go visit a different sick person please. not my mother. i dont care that u were once machutonim. in my opinion its slightly tactless to do that to me. no??

especially when u wont have anything to do with me. please at least stay away from the rest of my family....

Sunday, August 7, 2011


she is such a good person
she has never hurt anyone
she loves every one
she cares
she smiles
she's kind

what did she do to you?
she's even a good jew
she loves god
she loves judaism

and yet she's been sick her whole life
nothing but pain
sickness after sickness
pill after pill

whats a child supposed to do when her mother cries to her
that she wants her to sneak her out of the hospital
and take her home

Friday, May 27, 2011


falling into a deep dark place 
where i can see no way out 
no one can find me 
i am alone 

tossing and turning 
with one eye always open 
pretending i am asleep 
restless throughout the night 

there is no silver lining 
motivation has run out 
no meaning to be found 
my purpose is missing 

i am a dry, wilted flower 
too tired to move 
cant lift myself up 
barely there 

who is this girl 
i dont know her 
she is not me 
she is lost, confused. 


Tuesday, March 29, 2011

in my dreams

I love you
no I dont

ive let go
not really

ive forgotten

and now
you haunt my dreams

you wont leave
leave me alone

get out of my head
im not yours

so I stay awake
no dreaming

you cant haunt me
its not real

let me be
I need to breathe

I love you
no I dont

Thursday, March 24, 2011


cherish me 
hold me 
understand me 

value me 
hug me 
accept me 

believe in me 
surround me 
appreciate me 

support me 
touch me 
respect me 

please I beg of you. 
I need you. 


how do I share
a feeling
I cannot express
it burns me inside
it rips me apart
I feel so alone
so lost
not being
who I am
supposed to be

my mission
my reason
my goal
my purpose

to conceive
to carry
to nourish
to deliver
to envelope
to raise
to give
to love


I am a mother with no child. ttc#0.
I am a mother in my heart.
One day.
One day.

I will be a mother to a special child.
One day....

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

a wish

im so lucky that I didnt get pregnant while I was still married 
and I was off of birth control for a long time 
it was hashgacha that I didnt get pregnant 
gd was looking out for me 
now im going through a divorce 
and im so thankful that I dont have a kid w him 
and yes I wish I was a mother 
but its not the right time


all these files
piled around my desk
begging to be typed
needing to be emailed

the phone rings

all these files
all in stacks
must be filed
filing cabinets are full

the phone rings

all these files
need to reviewed
must be read
and then approved

the phone rings

all these files
day after day
week after week
no break

except for that phone
ringing off the hook

"hello, may I help you?"

shhh dont tell

coming out in the open
even though I shouldnt
felt that thrill
did the unimagineable
dont tell

its been so long
in truth
thats a lie
more recent than not
dont tell

unlike anything else
utterly exciting
against the rules
total newness
dont tell

no name
no emotion
just to feel
for the first time
dont tell

I call this poem one night stand

intimate relationship

was it just physical
was it just emotional

was it ever
was it ever

was I anything
was I something

was I me
was I real

where were you
where are you


a tear

and now so much space
no one to appease
not a soul in the way
alone in my space


still a tear

Sunday, March 20, 2011


What a difference
One year makes
Drastic change
Nothing similar

No meaning
No direction
No feeling
No emotion

A seuda
Baking challah
Matching costumes
Friends around
Handmade cards
Drinking and eating

A life for everyone else

Get away
Bare minimum
Regular clothes
A family I love
That loves me
Two shalach manos
Give to who?

A life for me

A life for me. For no one else.

Thursday, March 3, 2011


my soul expresses itself
through lyrics
written by others
tunes composed
notes played

the joy
the sorrow

I listen
I sing
I dance

this is how I feel. music.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011


its quite ironic
how two people
can have
such similar thoughts

last night
as I lay in bed
wishing sleep
a thought occured

so much to write
plenty to say
words exploding in my mind
begging to be let out

as I tossed and turned
I never got out of my spot
to jot those thougths
and unleash my feelings

and today I awoke
and im stuck somehow
the words only appear
when my mind is desperate for rest

it will begin again

one sheep. two sheep. three. four.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Never again.....

It just hit me that I can never be with him again.
That we are no longer.
We are over.
Signed separation agreement.
Saw his signature.
Dissmising me.
Never again.....
Build a wall.
Paste a smile.
Stand straight.

Never again....

Thursday, February 10, 2011

my facebook horoscope for today

"What would happen if you decided to take care of yourself today, Gemini? This is what the planets are trying to tell you. You need to relax, to let yourself be taken care of, and close your eyes and dream. Leave the daily tasks behind. You need peace and quiet. Lie down and release all your worries. You don't need to act and you don't need to react. Just relax."

you know, i'm not really a believer in these kind of things. anything that's superstitious or fluffy just doesn't fit with my personality. so why do i read this horoscope that comes to my facebook page every day? and somehow it always seems to be relevant to my life, or at least to what's going on with me that day.... and of course i know that these things are so general that they can apply to just about anyone who can read them. almost like the fortunes from fortune cookies. we all run to grab one and rip open the plastic to see what some "wise" chinese proverb has to say to us. and what do i get? "you have made the right decision." so i think to myself how glad i am that i decided not to eat that donut because obviously i made the right decision. what stupidity! and yet it doesnt stop me from reading these little blurbs of nothing. hoping they'll come true.

sometimes i wish there was someone around

to share a funny joke with
to ask if theres something in my teeth
to watch a movie w me
to laugh w
to cry w
to take care of me when im sick
to take charge
to care
to notice
to call
to hug me
to hold me

sometimes i wish there was someone around

Wednesday, February 2, 2011


oh dreadful anxiety
you give me no rest
constantly there
nagging me

oh dreadful anxiety
you torture me
suffocate me
blind me

oh dreadful anxiety

oh dreadful anxiety
leave me be
give me space
go away

oh dreadful anxiety
how I dream of peace
and quiet

where are my pills? o phew, I found them. glass of water in hand. gulp.

oh dreadful anxiety
you control me no more
not tonight


Saturday, January 29, 2011


Blue skies 
one step forward 
not looking back 
freshly cut grass 

Yellow sunflower 
one more step forward 
not looking back 
chirping birds 

Cool breeze 
a step forward 
not looking back 
splashing ocean waves 

Early morning dew 
one step forward 
not looking back 
glaring sun rays 

step by step 
not looking back

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Was It Smart

I did something 
im not sure it was a good idea 
what are the consequences 
was it smart 

it felt so right 
its been so long 
I couldn't help it 
was it smart 

I knew I shouldn't 
I continued on 
I was being pulled 
was it smart 

the appeal 
the attraction 
the need 

for that second cup of coffee

Monday, January 17, 2011


what am i? who am i? am i here? am i there? where am i? where am i going? where did i come from? am i happy? am i sad? am i angry? am i ecstatic? do i love? do i hate? do i want love? do i want to be left alone? do i really care? is it all just an excuse? is it just a distraction? is it working? how long can i run away? who am i running from? my "parents"? my "friends"? MYSELF? who am i? do i even care? should i bother? am i worth it? do i matter? do they care? are they selfish? am i selfish?is that allowed? do i cry? do i laugh? am i numb? am i suffocating? am i flying? can i breathe? do i care? do they really care? am i fat? am i pretty? am i smart? am i strong? am i healthy? do they love me? do i care?am i comfortable? am i alone? do i care? do they care? why bother? do they bother? am i a kid? am i an adult? did i ever grow up? was i ever a kid? do i want to be an adult? will i turn out like them? were they like me? is it all just a delusion? is it all in my head? am i making it up? do you believe me? do they believe me? does anyone care? do i care? what am i? am i worth it? should i bother? am i hungry? am i full? am i depressed? am i there for others truthfully? do i really care about them? is it dependent on if they care about me? will it ever be enough? will i ever be satisfied? do i deserve?! what is happiness? do i exasperate? do i love? who? them? who? me?! can i? what? love? what is love? is it worth it? can i handle it? will i break? do i crave it? should i just stay alone? will it hurt me? will it hurt anyone else? them? do i care? do they care? can i disappear? should i? have i already? is this all just a facade? am i a facade? are they? happiness. what is it? do they have it? do i have it? can i? do i want it? is it too much to handle? can i handle it? will it last? does it last? people. do i want them around? do they want me around? can i handle it? do i want to be around? is this a bubble? is it really helping? do i want help? do i need help? can i handle it? is there a master plan? is this all just one big funny joke? should i laugh? do i know how? is there a middle ground? am i ok?

i guess so!? i'm fine. ok, what can i do to help you?!

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Some good Facebook Statuses

Dear parents, Jasmine was in a relationship with a dirty homeless boy named Aladdin. Snow White lived alone with 7 men. Pinnochio was a liar. Robin Hood was a thief. Tarzan walked around without clothes on. A stranger kissed sleeping beauty and she married him. Cinderella lied and snuck out at night to attend a party. Sincerely, it's not our fault, it's how you raised us

‎*WARNING*** The National Weather Service has issued a Flash Flood Warning for Pittsburgh PA and surrounding areas for Saturday the 15th of January. This warning will be in effect from 4:30pm until 8:30pm. This Flash Flood will be caused by the tears of the Steelers Fans as they realize the Blackbird Nation has ruined all hopes of another Superbowl appearance. Crying will intensify as the game goes on...

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

A Minute

 I want to take a minute 
and say some things 
that are on my mind 
cuz im afraid 
that if I dont say them now 
that I might not say them at all 
or might not feel them later 

I might not always understand 
it might not be clear 
or could be painful 
and hard 
trust me it is 

its in my nature to run 
and hide 
dig my head in the ground 
and avoid the truth 
pretend alls good 
but I cant escape 

especially when I know 
what is real 
what is true 
I may choose to ignore 
its not out of ignorance 
or stupidity 

I see it everywhere 
I feel it everywhere 

but I choose to shut it down 

so im going to take a minute 
and say some things 
that are on my mind 
before I need to shut down again 

minute's over

Monday, January 10, 2011


I look around me 
I see a couple walking together 

I try not to feel 
I try not to remember 

I see a a mother holding her baby 
cooing and cuddling 

I will not feel 
I will not look back 

I will only look forward 
I will be strong 

one day 
I will get out of bed and try