Sunday, September 25, 2011


u have robbed me
why cant i feel u
where r u
why cant i be a part of it
i miss real shabbos
i miss feeling it
i miss emotion
i miss singing
and spirituality
and the beauty
i miss belonging
even though i hate belonging
but i miss having a shabbos table
and cooking
and my chulent
and baking challah
and having guests at my table
and friends
and being invited
and the shabbos smell
u have robbed me
im alone
shabbos why have u left me
all i want to do is cry
u are an ordinary day
but i know there is more to you
there is meaning
but i feel nothing
and everyone has family around
and friends
and food
and children
and love
shabbos you have robbed me
where are you
i miss your beauty
i miss ur purpose

o shabbos where have you gone?

to my monkey

we sing and dance
and you giggle with joy
you kick your legs
and shake your hands


but you are not mine
you are someone elses

i give you a bottle
you wrap your tiny little hand
around my finger
and squeeze

you fall asleep
while you are in my arms
i gently place you
in the swing

turn on some music
and watch you for a while
a yawn
your little eyelids flutter

but you are not mine
you are someone elses

i hear a little cry
you see me and smile
two teeth peek out
wait to be picked up

i snuggle you
and tickle you
and we both laugh
we go outside and see birds

but then the day is over
the clock strikes 5
a knock on the door
and i remember

because you are not mine
you are someone elses

your mommy comes
and she kisses you
she missed you so much
and takes you home

and i go home alone
with no one
and you are at home
with your mommy

i am not your mommy
and when i stop watching you
you wont remember me
just like all the other kids

because you are not mine
you are someone elses

dear ex-friend

who are you and what happened
what did i ever do to you
what did the world to to you
to make you this hateful person

you have buried yourself alive
and yet you continue
to drag me in with you
or is it me that jumps in

why are you so unhappy
does he beat you
lock you up in your house
not let you wear dark nail polish

o wait thats my fault
that friends dont talk to you
cant stand your face
or when you enter a room

you walk by me
look the other way
say i dont exist
im not a person

i will continue to say hello
be cordial
take the high road
and not let you win

you will not succeed
cannot break my heart
live in your bubble
i will move on

you were my best friend
we were supposed to raise our kids together
i hope you are happy
i loved you like a sister

but no more
i will let go


Monday, September 12, 2011

decision time

cant go back
cant change that decision
once you do
you can never go back

you order that dish
pay for that food
and there it is
staring straight at you

you might be the one
who thinks about it
or the one
who could care less

might have had 
a drink or two
been influenced
or totally on your own

but once you do
theres no looking back
cant say you never have
no longer in that club

one more step
spiraling down
cannot claim to hold on
to what was before

a strength that was
for so very long
no more in place
gone for a long time

cant go back.
you can never go back.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

red heifer

I HATE IGNORANT PEOPLE!!!!! this is what this lady posted as her question on a website that i follow:

Would you let your daughter go out with a person who has a gene type that has a risk of a certain issue which can be eliminated if they do embryo selection for their children?

(The person is only a "carrier" but has a risk of having children that would be unhealthy without IVF.)

would only someone with another health problem be interested? or do you think if they had a couple dates and the guy tells the girl about this issue that she might be able to overlook it?

(Do you think the cost will be the issue? the fact that they can't conceive naturally, spontaniously etc? what do you see as the issues with this? or do you not have any problems with it?)

I think this is ridiculous! he deserves to have a good match. and why would u prevent ur daughter from going out with him if everything else makes sense?

MY FIRST RESPONSE:  make her break it off?!?

MY SECOND RESPONSE: I know that there are issues in my family... do I have to tell them on a first date? ex... history of many miscarriages, my brother is an ivf baby, diabetes, renal failure...

do I have to walk in with a sign on my forehead? and curse myself in advance???

plus dont forget that im divorced

so ppl like me would never be able to get married. bc mothers like u would never LET their kids date ppl with blemishes. (red heifer all over again )

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

response part 2

for  the warm wishes
i thank you

but i beg
never to judge
or assume
that you know
or understand
a situation

i am
a woman
i have
basic needs
like the rest

but they cannot
nor will not
be fulfilled
by anyone else
other than
a ghost

he does
not appear
in my dreams
my nightmares
where he remains


fellow poster chochmos nashim
Thank you for taking the time to read my writing
Choosing to respond in poem
Sage advice u have given

I am not Ur average woman
As you have called me
Not typical or common
Never have I fit in

Verbalize you suggest
To whom? Where? When?
Talking to walls
Silence is more effective

This husband you speak of
Where is he?
You say he'll listen
Sneak preview he leaves

Just letting you know......he leaves

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Hold Me.

cant sleep in the same bed
i stay awake
watch your eyelids flutter
as you snore all night

the couch is my friend
internet my companion
streetlights flicker outside
i sit up alone

i just want you to hold me
please hold me
yet i cant utter those words
i cant say them out loud

i need to cry
its been held in for so long
packed in deep inside
not shared with a soul

and you ask whats wrong
a classic "nothing"
you go back to bed
and i continue in my avoidance

how can i be angry
u cant read my mind
and yet im hurt
but its my own fault

when will someone understand

i just want to be loved.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

last night

last night
was the
first night
that i went
to sleep
before most
or at least
i normally

being tired
just isnt
something that
im used to

and even
if exhaustion
i cannot
or never
give in

its usually
2 or 3
in the
the world
is quiet

i can
shut my

as the
of sleep
beg to
hold on
to my

i awake
with a
at the
of my

the day
to look
and feel

i drink
my coffee
my nap
shut eye


last night
was the
first night
that i went
to sleep
before most
or at least
i normally