Monday, May 14, 2012


A fear
Of the past
Repeating itself
Over and over
To the body
To the soul
To the mind
This time
Does not leave
It haunts
No air
Limited breath
Muted sound
Damaged vision
No one
Words fall
Mouths open
Hearts close
Backs turned
On purpose
By accident
Sealed tears
Warped smile

A fear
Of the past
Repeating itself

Friday, May 11, 2012


(According to Wikipedia) Dissociation is an altered state of consciousness characterized by partial or complete disruption of the normal integration of a person’s normal conscious or psychological functioning.

That was me, completely dissociated. And I have spent years placing blame on her and on everyone but it does no good. She was a sick person. But there was a reason why she “chose” me. There was a reason why god put this in my life. Obviously, I deserved it or needed it, as one shrink put it. I hate that answer but I did believe it for a while. After all, it’s not normal to “not do touch.” And she did get me out of that mentality. I did become accustomed to touch, to the point where I needed it and craved it. And that’s where I am now. Needy. So you want to know why I keep to myself. Why I stay away? Why I don’t trust? Why I don’t show love? Why I can’t accept love. Why I can’t accept apologies? All those words: “I’m sorry”, “I love you” make me feel sick.  Those terms have been tainted, almost ruined for me by people that I let into my life, who hurt me deeply and betrayed me.

And no, I’m not delicate and do not need you to walk on egg shells around me. I am pretty tough, and I’m not talking about my sabra factor here. I’m just talking about the fact that I can withstand a lot. As can you. But trust is not something that’s going to happen. I do believe that all people are selfish and out for their own benefit. And I do feel used by the world. So you ask why I’m not motivated. Why I don’t utilize my full potential? Why I avoid using my mind, my brain. Because my emotions lead me. They direct my life. And I can’t get around that. Yeah I am hyper sensitive. I take everything in and I dissect it. I feel everything. When I say I can’t feel anything, I am lying. But I’m sure you already knew that. I feel it all. I just avoid the full extend of the feelings. I avoid action. I avoid people. I avoid conversation. I pretend that I am ok. I live on a basic functioning level, when really I’m screaming on the inside.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Stockholm Syndrome

Stockholm syndrome can be seen as a form of traumatic bonding, which does not necessarily require a hostage scenario, but which describes "strong emotional ties that develop between two persons where one person intermittently harasses, beats, threatens, abuses, or intimidates the other

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

this was written by a very close friend

foggy rain
tornadoes to the west
coming towards her
take her up with them
into the silence
she doesn't have to hear
what they're saying on the ground
cannons firing words she never said
blasts of untruth

looking into the eyes of evil
looking into the eyes of hate
hisses like snakes in a basket
venomous treacherous spitting
a sacrificial offering
an example to others
never walk where she walked
the ground there is poisonous

two thirds lost
they are tainted forever
severed from their origin
the very womb that made them
tiny little souls
alone in a dark world
no comforting heart beat
no rocking to sleep
no brushing away the sweaty hair
that sticks to their foreheads
signs of a bad dream
she used to make it better

she packs a bag
full of clothes she never wanted to wear
a prison uniform
deafening silence where laughter should be
where her children should be
it was never meant to be
they were never hers
she's a surrogate
an incubator
a receptacle for perverted holiness

a tear as wide as tower bridge
a river where her heart should be
shadows where the scars are
the ones that are purposefully hidden
retribution for her lack of piety
lack of modesty
lack of faithfulness
lack of obedience
lack of speaking out

counting the hours
the minutes
the seconds
until she can leave
this land
this miserable unholy land
this land which made her what she is

unfit to wipe away the tears
unfit to clean the noses
unfit to clean the scrapes
unfit to hold the hands
unfit to tuck in
unfit to sing
unfit to hold at night

soft cotton pajamas
warm and snug
make it better mummy
only she can't
lost forever
to a sea of black and white
devoid of independence
one day it'll be better

except it never will

Wednesday, May 2, 2012


I wish to be alone
I wish someone was here
I need a friend
I will push them away
I can rejoice in their life
I cant let them enter mine
I am sincerely loyal
I am a closed book
I can show small glimpses
I will shut down
I can sacrifice
I can listen
I can advise
I cannot share
I cannot talk
I cannot open up
I come as I am
I am selfish
I am raw
I will hide
I will protect
I will function
I will be lonely

This is my destiny


I lie
I do like touch
In fact
I crave touch
I cant function without
Yearn to touch
To be touched
To feel
But its not for me
Too much
Black and white
No middle ground
So I don’t
I refrain
Tell the world
“I don’t do touch”
They believe me
Fall for my lies
Ive convinced the world
Inside I scream
Glass cell
The key is at my feet
No movement
I sit
In my place
A prisoner
Unshed tears
Roll down my face
Is not for everyone