Thursday, June 28, 2012

Song of Songs aka SHIR HASHIRIM

I'm sitting here reading a summary about Shir Hashirim. I'm not exaclty sure why I'm having such difficulty with what is written but it's making me sick. The text talks about how it's a love story between a woman and her lover. She is constantly in search of this "man". In my opinion, he seems to be fictional, maybe a figment of her imagination. Now, I know that this sefer is supposed to parallel G-d and the Jewish people. And trust me, that doesn't make me feel any better. My perception of the One And Only is not exactly a positive one. So a love affair between myself anf G-d? Doesn't sound too plausible. So where does this place me? Why do I have such issues with intimacy? Is it becuase I don't have it in my life? And yet I look back and reminisce about my past relationships. I experienced intimacy. Didn't I? I was so wrapped up in unhappiness that maybe "my version" of intimacy doesn't count. Maybe I'm just jealous. That is a scary thought. Or maybe it's my way of avoiding reality. It keeps me in my self induced bubble. I don't have to let anyone in. I don't even put myself in a situation to get close to another person. So why the physical discomfort when reading this or watching a movie of a couple kissing. It's a protection of my sadness. It's a prevention from realizing my current situation. I do envy that love and intimacy. I wish for a better life. And perhaps I do have a bit of hope left in me. Maybe just a little.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

get out

Why
Do u still appear
In my dreams
Randomly
I have not
Seen you
Heard from you
Talked to you
In months
Get out of my
Subconscious
My thoughts
My nights
Memories
Are fooled
Distorted
Changed
The past
Has created
Its own
Reality
All is fake
A fa├žade
Its not real
Please
Leave me
Alone

Thursday, June 14, 2012

ugh

Boredom
Kills
Slowly
Mind
Numbing
Slow
Agony
Never
Ending
Hours
Minutes
Refuse
To
Go
By
So
Slow
Oh
My
God
Help
Me

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

popper

A pill popper
I have become
Cant survive
One day
With out
Opening that cap
Child locked
Count how many
Left inside
Will that
Be enough
Can it
Rid me
Of all this pain
Or just comfort
Placebo
My imagination
Pretending
Telling me
I feel better
Pills pills pills
How many
To take

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

stupid 50

So lately a main topic of conversation has been about “50 Shades of Grey”. Everyone is talking about it. Now I did read all three books and I can’t decide if I liked them or not. At the time, I definitely could not put the book down. But now, I am not so sure I like it. Does that make sense? Yeah I got turned on at times, but I was mostly aggravated. No one has sex that much and in so many different locations, and that many times in a row. AND no one orgasms that easily or that many times. Ok so you are right, how would I know? Maybe I am just jealous. My sex life is not exactly booming. But that’s not the point. The story just presents an unrealistic viewpoint about sex and intimacy. And all these women reading it are just sitting there wishing their lives could compare somehow. Married women watching their lazy husbands watch tv on the couch. Divorced women wishing for any form of touch or affection. And single women at a total loss. And where do I fit in? Yeah, I am divorced. So I have a frame of reference. But now that shit is in my head. And I had enough issues before. Some of which I’ve worked through. But these books put ideas into ppls heads. They create this unhealthy fantasy. No one can ever achieve that. It just places an unrealistic expectation on men and relationships. It makes us as women feel lacking and less than what we should be, less than what we are. I don’t even know what im writing. I guess the point of all this is sexual frustration. No that’s a lie. It’s more like withdrawal. No physical touch. No affection. Just plain nothing. And that’s probably why those books pissed me off.

you deserve

Stick to the plan
You deserve a life
Filled with happiness
And freedom

Don’t fall
Stick with it
You have worth
So much worth

To finally be
Yourself
The person
You want to be

No more running
Only accepting
Being
Becoming

Choose life
Be you
No more hiding
Truly living

No more limits
The world
Is wide open
Just for you

Don’t give up
No giving in
Only option
Moving forward

Accept reality
Finally be you
The real you
You

No more settling
Unshackle
Freedom
Real life

It’s all yours
Just a touch away
Grab it
Don’t let it go

Choose life

Health

Health
Is not something
That should be
Taken for granted

The minute
Pain is felt
All is lost
Given up
A quick surrender

Reality
Is forgotten
Intensity
Takes over
No relief
Constant feeling

Never ending thoughts
Spiraling
Down
Down
To the bottom

But
Once relief comes
All is erased
As if
Nothing ever happened

Continue on
In a bubble
No memory
Or recollection
Of before

Previous agony
A distant truth
Unknown
Always waiting
To return

Carry on.