Tuesday, July 31, 2012


. Last night, I had a missed call from a Baltimore number so when it called again I decided to answer.

This is how the conversation went:

Caller: Hi is Rav N there?
Me: I think you have the wrong number.
Caller: Is this the M's?
Me: No.
Caller: Ok, sorry.

After I hung up, I was shocked at my response. First of all, I haven’t gotten a call like that in two years. Second of all, I used to respond “no, we’re divorced” and give out his cell number. So I’m not sure if this means I’ve matured or moved on? Not sure about that. Then I was thinking “don’t people know he’s divorced?” And then I remembered that he’s married so it makes more sense. But I was sitting there wondering why G-d lets things like that happen? What lesson am I supposed to learn? Maybe it’s just for me to see my own reaction. I don’t know. But I do know that there’s gotta be a reason.

Saturday, July 28, 2012


It's funny.
My whole life I have run away from everything bc I wanted to be an individual. As I got older I realized that all I ever wanted was to belong somewhere.
I'm done running.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

The process

Living in the moment
Existing In the process
Feeling every second
Not waiting for what's next
Avoiding clocks
Accepting the present
Enjoying the now

Friday, July 20, 2012

To Live

We live life in an accepting fashion
This is what was chosen for me
I am set in my ways
Yet we know there is better out there
Wish for more
But we are stuck
Can’t move
A lazy mentality

Look around
There’s sadness
Illness and death
Plenty of morbidity
Life ends
Sooner than later

But what kind of life
Are we living
Does it mean anything
Any meaning involved
Is there depth

Are there people
In your life
That you neglect
Have you hugged your child
Smiled at a stranger
Waved to your neighbor
Let a car pass

Or are we selfish
Refusing to move
Or budge
Unwilling to share the universe
Or join the fight
Do we make it about us
And not acknowledge the rest
Of the world

Make a move
Don’t sit stagnant
No more wasting away
Or letting time pass
Grab life
And take it
To a place you want to be
To the person you want  to be

It’s up to you
No one else
Will make the move
Only you
Can make that change
Choose to live
Choose life

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

July 18th

SO it’s official. It’s been two whole years since we separated.  It’s crazy to think how long ago it feels but it also feels like yesterday. So I’m a big believer in the calendar being cyclical. We see this in the Jewish calendar, but for some reason I see this in my life. And it’s possible that I have created the potential for things  to happen on specific days but some things have not been in my control.  Yes, you guessed it. Today is one of those days. July 18 has been a date that I always seem to remember. It is a date marked by many memories, one that I will never easily forget.

 I guess I’ll start on the first time that I can recall July 18 having any value. I was 17 and working in a summer camp. There was this boy who would always talk to me and I was rude to him and to anyone really. But nonetheless, he was always nice to me.  One Friday, this boy asked me if I wanted to walk with him to Dunkin Donuts after camp. Not sure why I said yes. Probably felt nice to be liked for the first time.  Looking back, I’m surprised that I felt comfortable to hold his hand the whole way. Anyways, we had to walk the long way, because we didn’t want anyone to see us together. Both of us were not allowed to talk to the opposite sex. I remember having to climb a fence. We were walking in the really bad, black neighborhoods. Not sure how we felt comfortable sitting in DD, which is so central and Jewishly populated at all times.  But ok.  I can’t remember much about our conversation but I do remember pretty well when he said: “what would you do if some guy asked you out?” and I answered: “I would tell him that he will fall in love with me and I will break his heart.” Seems pretty ironic looking back now. But yes I did say that. Sounds like a line straight out of The Notebook. So then I guess we decided that we would start dating and we split ways and I went home and told my mother. She was so excited.

 Fast forward one exact year. Stop right on, yup you guessed it, July 18! My friends and I are at the major hang out at the time, a restaurant called The Pikes. I’m sitting at the counter waiting for sushi. (Which is weird because I remember eating sushi for the first time at least two years later.) Maybe I was just sitting at the sushi counter, who knows. Back to the point. So I had been really paranoid that I would run into him wherever I went, but thank G-d, he was a hermit and didn’t have that many friends. Well of course that night, he comes in to the restaurant. I turn my back, swivel my stool around and basically had a mini panic attack. So me and my friends leave. Later that night for some reason we decided to make each other friendship bracelets and then ran up and down the street in the rain. Random memory of myself sitting in the bathroom and all of a sudden, I realize the date. It’s July 18.  And I start to freak out. Again.

Now, let’s skip six years. Wow, crazy. It’s eight days after our second anniversary. We had a beautiful Shabbos. I cooked up a storm. We had two couples for Friday night dinner. I even baked Challah. I remember sitting next to him and I think we were getting along. Shabbos day, we walked to his parents for Seuda Shlishit. Now, my memory is of us holding hands but I also remember being a Niddah when we separated. So it just comes to show how our minds play tricks on us. How we remember the details we want and how they may not even be based on reality. Anyways, that’s Saturday night, we went to a movie night by friends. I even remember what movie we watched. I think it was called Surrogates. I sat on the couch and he sat on the floor and then on a chair father away. My friend told me that she noticed him being distant but I don’t think I felt that way. Later on, I think he was either sleeping and I woke him up or he was trying to sleep and I was trying to talk to him. That’s when he said he was done. I was crying and yelling at him. I couldn’t understand how he could just give up and how we were soul mates and meant for each other. He said that I changed. So I asked to describe the girl he fell in love with and I got a piece of paper and started writing down. This totally pissed him off. I told him that it’s not me that changed. I was still all those things on that list. It was him that changed. But he was done.  I must have slept on the couch that night, but I can’t remember. The next morning was, you guessed it, July 18. Artscape was downtown and all our friends were planning on going. So I got dressed, put my teal tichel on and told him I was going to hang out with our friends and that he was not welcome. It was me and all the couples. That is my reality now. But at the time, I don’t think I understood what my life was going to become.

Those are the significant memories I have of July 18. Interestingly enough, I don’t feel any pain today. I just went down memory lane and don’t feel affected at all. It’s all seems like a lifetime ago.