Dissociated

(According to Wikipedia) Dissociation is an altered state of consciousness characterized by partial or complete disruption of the normal integration of a person’s normal conscious or psychological functioning.

That was me, completely dissociated. And I have spent years placing blame on her and on everyone but it does no good. She was a sick person. But there was a reason why she “chose” me. There was a reason why god put this in my life. Obviously, I deserved it or needed it, as one shrink put it. I hate that answer but I did believe it for a while. After all, it’s not normal to “not do touch.” And she did get me out of that mentality. I did become accustomed to touch, to the point where I needed it and craved it. And that’s where I am now. Needy. So you want to know why I keep to myself. Why I stay away? Why I don’t trust? Why I don’t show love? Why I can’t accept love. Why I can’t accept apologies? All those words: “I’m sorry”, “I love you” make me feel sick.  Those terms have been tainted, almost ruined for me by people that I let into my life, who hurt me deeply and betrayed me.

And no, I’m not delicate and do not need you to walk on egg shells around me. I am pretty tough, and I’m not talking about my sabra factor here. I’m just talking about the fact that I can withstand a lot. As can you. But trust is not something that’s going to happen. I do believe that all people are selfish and out for their own benefit. And I do feel used by the world. So you ask why I’m not motivated. Why I don’t utilize my full potential? Why I avoid using my mind, my brain. Because my emotions lead me. They direct my life. And I can’t get around that. Yeah I am hyper sensitive. I take everything in and I dissect it. I feel everything. When I say I can’t feel anything, I am lying. But I’m sure you already knew that. I feel it all. I just avoid the full extend of the feelings. I avoid action. I avoid people. I avoid conversation. I pretend that I am ok. I live on a basic functioning level, when really I’m screaming on the inside.