REFLECTION

Blue skies 
one step forward 
not looking back 
freshly cut grass 

Yellow sunflower 
one more step forward 
not looking back 
chirping birds 

Cool breeze 
a step forward 
not looking back 
splashing ocean waves 

Early morning dew 
one step forward 
not looking back 
glaring sun rays 

step by step 
not looking back

Was It Smart

I did something 
im not sure it was a good idea 
what are the consequences 
was it smart 

it felt so right 
its been so long 
I couldn't help it 
was it smart 


I knew I shouldn't 
I continued on 
I was being pulled 
was it smart 

the appeal 
the attraction 
the need 

for that second cup of coffee

?

what am i? who am i? am i here? am i there? where am i? where am i going? where did i come from? am i happy? am i sad? am i angry? am i ecstatic? do i love? do i hate? do i want love? do i want to be left alone? do i really care? is it all just an excuse? is it just a distraction? is it working? how long can i run away? who am i running from? my "parents"? my "friends"? MYSELF? who am i? do i even care? should i bother? am i worth it? do i matter? do they care? are they selfish? am i selfish?is that allowed? do i cry? do i laugh? am i numb? am i suffocating? am i flying? can i breathe? do i care? do they really care? am i fat? am i pretty? am i smart? am i strong? am i healthy? do they love me? do i care?am i comfortable? am i alone? do i care? do they care? why bother? do they bother? am i a kid? am i an adult? did i ever grow up? was i ever a kid? do i want to be an adult? will i turn out like them? were they like me? is it all just a delusion? is it all in my head? am i making it up? do you believe me? do they believe me? does anyone care? do i care? what am i? am i worth it? should i bother? am i hungry? am i full? am i depressed? am i there for others truthfully? do i really care about them? is it dependent on if they care about me? will it ever be enough? will i ever be satisfied? do i deserve?! what is happiness? do i exasperate? do i love? who? them? who? me?! can i? what? love? what is love? is it worth it? can i handle it? will i break? do i crave it? should i just stay alone? will it hurt me? will it hurt anyone else? them? do i care? do they care? can i disappear? should i? have i already? is this all just a facade? am i a facade? are they? happiness. what is it? do they have it? do i have it? can i? do i want it? is it too much to handle? can i handle it? will it last? does it last? people. do i want them around? do they want me around? can i handle it? do i want to be around? is this a bubble? is it really helping? do i want help? do i need help? can i handle it? is there a master plan? is this all just one big funny joke? should i laugh? do i know how? is there a middle ground? am i ok?

i guess so!? i'm fine. ok, what can i do to help you?!

Some good Facebook Statuses

Dear parents, Jasmine was in a relationship with a dirty homeless boy named Aladdin. Snow White lived alone with 7 men. Pinnochio was a liar. Robin Hood was a thief. Tarzan walked around without clothes on. A stranger kissed sleeping beauty and she married him. Cinderella lied and snuck out at night to attend a party. Sincerely, it's not our fault, it's how you raised us


‎*WARNING*** The National Weather Service has issued a Flash Flood Warning for Pittsburgh PA and surrounding areas for Saturday the 15th of January. This warning will be in effect from 4:30pm until 8:30pm. This Flash Flood will be caused by the tears of the Steelers Fans as they realize the Blackbird Nation has ruined all hopes of another Superbowl appearance. Crying will intensify as the game goes on...

A Minute

 I want to take a minute 
and say some things 
that are on my mind 
cuz im afraid 
that if I dont say them now 
that I might not say them at all 
or might not feel them later 

I might not always understand 
it might not be clear 
or could be painful 
and hard 
trust me it is 

its in my nature to run 
and hide 
dig my head in the ground 
and avoid the truth 
pretend alls good 
but I cant escape 

especially when I know 
what is real 
what is true 
I may choose to ignore 
its not out of ignorance 
or stupidity 

I see it everywhere 
I feel it everywhere 

but I choose to shut it down 

so im going to take a minute 
and say some things 
that are on my mind 
before I need to shut down again 

minute's over

I

I look around me 
I see a couple walking together 
smiling 
laughing 

I try not to feel 
I try not to remember 

I see a a mother holding her baby 
cooing and cuddling 

I will not feel 
I will not look back 

I will only look forward 
I will be strong 

one day 
I will get out of bed and try

lettuce

an extra scoop? I think so 
salad for lunch? I think not 
sprinkels? you bet 
splenda? no way 
2 slices? for sure 
fruit? I can do that 

am I bunny rabbit that I can live off of lettuce all day. 
a size 2 is not for me. hell, a size 12, maybe. 
WHY THE PRESURE. 
is it doing any good. 
im going to lay on my death bed and think back. 
hmmm how many salads did I eat. 
or how many ice cream sundays. 

I work hard every day 
to accept me for me 
and not compare to others 
I want to enjoy this life I was given 
not waste it 
trying to fit in 
to an impossible 
quota 

you decide

keep it up

keep it up
i cant tell
as you walk by
and we all pretend
that nothings changed
that alls the same
yet you dont say hi
or even
look me in the eye

keep it up
i cant tell
as you talk
behind my back
and gossip
about lies
that youve made up
and spread around
for all to hear

keep it up
i cant tell
as you mock
my choice in life
when was it even mine to make
but blame is mine
and so is shame
no matter what
is real or fake

keep it up
i cant tell
as you block
my every move
preventing me
from going on
to recover
and gather
all that i have lost

keep it up
i cant tell

my week

opening up scares me. even this scares me. because once its out in the open. then im responsible for changing. and I cant. I wish I was never born. I wish I died last year. I want people to miss me and worry about me. I want them to suffer. and I want my pain to end. im sick of everyone thinking im strong. im not. im weak and I hate myself. and I still love him. and I hate myself for that. I cant move on. because this is all wrong. and no one cares. im sick of pretending like everything is ok. I hate gd. stop punishing me. im a good person!! I was really trying. whyd You let this happen. I want to feel nothing. I want to be dead. and I want them all to come to my funeral and feel pain. and realize what they lost. and what they did to me. and that its too late. and they will never get forgiveness. and he will regret what he's done. all three of them. stop burning me. im burnt to a crisp. theres no where left to fry. im sizzling. 

yeah. this week was great!

here goes post #1

why wont he answer my call?
you'd think that giving him seven years of your life is not enough?
so what if we're getting divorced!!
the decent thing to do is to at least answer!!
i'm ready to show up at his house and make a scene.
always making an issue.
well, of course im gonna make a scene.
he makes me crazy!!!
just answer my call. damn it!!!