Song of Songs aka SHIR HASHIRIM

I'm sitting here reading a summary about Shir Hashirim. I'm not exaclty sure why I'm having such difficulty with what is written but it's making me sick. The text talks about how it's a love story between a woman and her lover. She is constantly in search of this "man". In my opinion, he seems to be fictional, maybe a figment of her imagination. Now, I know that this sefer is supposed to parallel G-d and the Jewish people. And trust me, that doesn't make me feel any better. My perception of the One And Only is not exactly a positive one. So a love affair between myself anf G-d? Doesn't sound too plausible. So where does this place me? Why do I have such issues with intimacy? Is it becuase I don't have it in my life? And yet I look back and reminisce about my past relationships. I experienced intimacy. Didn't I? I was so wrapped up in unhappiness that maybe "my version" of intimacy doesn't count. Maybe I'm just jealous. That is a scary thought. Or maybe it's my way of avoiding reality. It keeps me in my self induced bubble. I don't have to let anyone in. I don't even put myself in a situation to get close to another person. So why the physical discomfort when reading this or watching a movie of a couple kissing. It's a protection of my sadness. It's a prevention from realizing my current situation. I do envy that love and intimacy. I wish for a better life. And perhaps I do have a bit of hope left in me. Maybe just a little.

get out

Why

Do u still appear

In my dreams

Randomly

I have not

Seen you

Heard from you

Talked to you

In months

Get out of my

Subconscious

My thoughts

My nights

Memories

Are fooled

Distorted

Changed

The past

Has created

Its own

Reality

All is fake

A façade

Its not real

Please

Leave me

Alone

ugh

Boredom

Kills

Slowly

Mind

Numbing

Slow

Agony

Never

Ending

Hours

Minutes

Refuse

To

Go

By

So

Slow

Oh

My

God

Help

Me

popper

A pill popper

I have become

Cant survive

One day

With out

Opening that cap

Child locked

Count how many

Left inside

Will that

Be enough

Can it

Rid me

Of all this pain

Or just comfort

Placebo

My imagination

Pretending

Telling me

I feel better

Pills pills pills

How many

To take

stupid 50

So lately a main topic of conversation has been about “50 Shades of Grey”. Everyone is talking about it. Now I did read all three books and I can’t decide if I liked them or not. At the time, I definitely could not put the book down. But now, I am not so sure I like it. Does that make sense? Yeah I got turned on at times, but I was mostly aggravated. No one has sex that much and in so many different locations, and that many times in a row. AND no one orgasms that easily or that many times. Ok so you are right, how would I know? Maybe I am just jealous. My sex life is not exactly booming. But that’s not the point. The story just presents an unrealistic viewpoint about sex and intimacy. And all these women reading it are just sitting there wishing their lives could compare somehow. Married women watching their lazy husbands watch tv on the couch. Divorced women wishing for any form of touch or affection. And single women at a total loss. And where do I fit in? Yeah, I am divorced. So I have a frame of reference. But now that shit is in my head. And I had enough issues before. Some of which I’ve worked through. But these books put ideas into ppls heads. They create this unhealthy fantasy. No one can ever achieve that. It just places an unrealistic expectation on men and relationships. It makes us as women feel lacking and less than what we should be, less than what we are. I don’t even know what im writing. I guess the point of all this is sexual frustration. No that’s a lie. It’s more like withdrawal. No physical touch. No affection. Just plain nothing. And that’s probably why those books pissed me off.

you deserve

Stick to the plan

You deserve a life

Filled with happiness

And freedom

Don’t fall

Stick with it

You have worth

So much worth

To finally be

Yourself

The person

You want to be

No more running

Only accepting

Being

Becoming

Choose life

Be you

No more hiding

Truly living

No more limits

The world

Is wide open

Just for you

Don’t give up

No giving in

Only option

Moving forward

Accept reality

Finally be you

The real you

You

No more settling

Unshackle

Freedom

Real life

It’s all yours

Just a touch away

Grab it

Don’t let it go

Choose life

Health

Health

Is not something

That should be

Taken for granted

The minute

Pain is felt

All is lost

Given up

A quick surrender

Reality

Is forgotten

Intensity

Takes over

No relief

Constant feeling

Never ending thoughts

Spiraling

Down

Down

To the bottom

But

Once relief comes

All is erased

As if

Nothing ever happened

Continue on

In a bubble

No memory

Or recollection

Of before

Previous agony

A distant truth

Unknown

Always waiting

To return

Carry on.