Chronic Deression

A lifetime
Filled
With pain
And sorrow

A FEAR

A fear

Of the past

Repeating itself

Over and over

Trauma

To the body

To the soul

To the mind

Alone

This time

History

Does not leave

It haunts

Corrupts

Suffocates

No air

Limited breath

Muted sound

Damaged vision

Unapproachable

No one

Understands

Settling

Accepting

Adjusting

Words fall

Mouths open

Hearts close

Backs turned

On purpose

By accident

Sealed tears

Warped smile

Reacting

Avoiding

Rejecting

Hiding

A fear

Of the past

Repeating itself

Over

And

Over.

Dissociated

(According to Wikipedia) Dissociation is an altered state of consciousness characterized by partial or complete disruption of the normal integration of a person’s normal conscious or psychological functioning.

That was me, completely dissociated. And I have spent years placing blame on her and on everyone but it does no good. She was a sick person. But there was a reason why she “chose” me. There was a reason why god put this in my life. Obviously, I deserved it or needed it, as one shrink put it. I hate that answer but I did believe it for a while. After all, it’s not normal to “not do touch.” And she did get me out of that mentality. I did become accustomed to touch, to the point where I needed it and craved it. And that’s where I am now. Needy. So you want to know why I keep to myself. Why I stay away? Why I don’t trust? Why I don’t show love? Why I can’t accept love. Why I can’t accept apologies? All those words: “I’m sorry”, “I love you” make me feel sick.  Those terms have been tainted, almost ruined for me by people that I let into my life, who hurt me deeply and betrayed me.

And no, I’m not delicate and do not need you to walk on egg shells around me. I am pretty tough, and I’m not talking about my sabra factor here. I’m just talking about the fact that I can withstand a lot. As can you. But trust is not something that’s going to happen. I do believe that all people are selfish and out for their own benefit. And I do feel used by the world. So you ask why I’m not motivated. Why I don’t utilize my full potential? Why I avoid using my mind, my brain. Because my emotions lead me. They direct my life. And I can’t get around that. Yeah I am hyper sensitive. I take everything in and I dissect it. I feel everything. When I say I can’t feel anything, I am lying. But I’m sure you already knew that. I feel it all. I just avoid the full extend of the feelings. I avoid action. I avoid people. I avoid conversation. I pretend that I am ok. I live on a basic functioning level, when really I’m screaming on the inside.

Stockholm Syndrome

Stockholm syndrome can be seen as a form of traumatic bonding, which does not necessarily require a hostage scenario, but which describes "strong emotional ties that develop between two persons where one person intermittently harasses, beats, threatens, abuses, or intimidates the other

this was written by a very close friend

foggy rain

tornadoes to the west

coming towards her

take her up with them

into the silence

she doesn't have to hear

what they're saying on the ground

cannons firing words she never said

blasts of untruth

looking into the eyes of evil

looking into the eyes of hate

hisses like snakes in a basket

venomous treacherous spitting

a sacrificial offering

an example to others

never walk where she walked

the ground there is poisonous

two thirds lost

they are tainted forever

severed from their origin

the very womb that made them

tiny little souls

alone in a dark world

no comforting heart beat

no rocking to sleep

no brushing away the sweaty hair

that sticks to their foreheads

signs of a bad dream

she used to make it better

she packs a bag

full of clothes she never wanted to wear

a prison uniform

deafening silence where laughter should be

where her children should be

it was never meant to be

they were never hers

she's a surrogate

an incubator

a receptacle for perverted holiness

a tear as wide as tower bridge

a river where her heart should be

shadows where the scars are

the ones that are purposefully hidden

retribution for her lack of piety

lack of modesty

lack of faithfulness

lack of obedience

lack of speaking out

counting the hours

the minutes

the seconds

until she can leave

this land

this miserable unholy land

this land which made her what she is

callous

unfeeling

poisonous

unfit

unfit to wipe away the tears

unfit to clean the noses

unfit to clean the scrapes

unfit to hold the hands

unfit to tuck in

unfit to sing

unfit to hold at night

soft cotton pajamas

warm and snug

make it better mummy

only she can't

lost forever

to a sea of black and white

piety

devotion

devoid of independence

one day it'll be better

except it never will

powerful

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OZLUa8JUR18&feature=related

Destiny

I wish to be alone
I wish someone was here
I need a friend
I will push them away
I can rejoice in their life
I cant let them enter mine
I am sincerely loyal
I am a closed book
I can show small glimpses
I will shut down
I can sacrifice
I can listen
I can advise
I cannot share
I cannot talk
I cannot open up
I come as I am
I am selfish
I am raw
I will hide
I will protect
I will function
I will be lonely

This is my destiny

Touch

I lie
I do like touch
In fact
I crave touch
I cant function without
Yearn to touch
To be touched
To feel
Anything
Something
But its not for me
Too much
Intense
Overwhelming
Insatiable
Extreme
Black and white
No middle ground
So I don’t
I refrain
Tell the world
“I don’t do touch”
They believe me
Fall for my lies
Ive convinced the world
Inside I scream
Trapped
Glass cell
The key is at my feet
No movement
I sit
In my place
A prisoner
Touch
Crave
Need
Wish
Unshed tears
Roll down my face
Touch
Is not for everyone