Twitch

What is this business
I don't get it
Such a selfishness
Repulsive thought

And yet so common
Every joe shmo
Ridiculously average
Day in and day out

What is the appeal
Why can't ppl hold back
What's the excitement
The necessity

How often
Taking over
Fulfillment
Intensity

Thoughts
Pounding heart
Pulse
Twitch

Overwhelming
One track mind
Think of nothing else
Non stop

Privacy
Wait all day
Ticking minutes
Forever

Give in
Locked doors
Secret
Finally

To love again

To love again
To trust again
To feel again
What will it take
For me to open my heart
To let someone in
To share who I am
To feel warm
To feel safe
To talk
To laugh
To cry
To lean on
To share a bed
To share a life
To relax
To let go
To let in
To breathe
To enjoy
To feel settled
To finally be me

Move another step

Letting go
Moving on
Starting over
New beginning
Healthiness
Can I?
Do I want?
Why don't I just do it?
Movement
Held back
Fear
Anxiety
Paranoia
Exhaustion
Lack of energy
Insomnia
Want to
Need to
Hold it together
Move another step
Human
Be a person
Function
React
Live
Enjoy
Delight
Feel
Feel
Live
Be
Feel
Feel
Love.

Remember

April 7 of 2008
Waiting
A saturday night
Go on a date
Can't decide what to wear
On the phone
Putting on make up
So nervous
When will it happen
Pick me up in a van
Forgot your wallet
Wait outside your parents house
Drive downtown
Walking around the harbor
Awkward conversation
Linking park playing
Sit on a bench
Playing with two quarters
"I'll give you whats in my pocket if you give me what's in yours"
Trade
A little royal purple bag
Tied closed
Inside is a ring
"so what's your answer?"
"to what?"
I look closely at the ring
Hold it up to the light
תתנשאי לי רחל?
Will you marry me
Engraved
On the inside
A bride and groom
באהבה לנצח נפתלי

I awkwardly say of course
And we are engaged
I want to call the world
I have waited a lifetime
No you say
You want it to be just us
Until midnight
We call my parents
They are thrilled
Probably relieved
We call your parents
They are sleeping
We cannot tell anyone else
Until your parents know
Arrive at your house
Wake up your mother
She drinks a shot
A lechayim
Hands me a bracelet
It is do ugly
She says it's unique like me
And I hate it
She goes back to sleep
That was our lechayim
I can now call friends
Everyone is thrilled
It's about time
As if they waited longer than me
And that's how we got engaged

One more

Seems like a regular day
Sun is shining
Birds are chirping
Car alarm beeping

Adults off from work
Children off from school
Its saturday
Family time

Looks can be deceiving
Adults would rather sleep
Children want to play with friends
And the day drags on

Seems like a regular day
And yet it's not
It's shabbos
It's pesach

Supposed holiness
Beauty and warmth
Hapiness And joy
Spirituality

Family time
Requires family
A support system
Loving people

And yet where is it
Sacrificed life
Abandoned love
Forced loneliness

Minutes feel like hours
Hours as long as days
Days will not pass
Aging you quickly

Considered young
Look even younger
No understanding
But feel ancient

An internal storm
External hurricane
Whirlwind of feelings
Explosion of memories

Dreaming of the past
Nightmares of the pain
Wishing for that life
Of pure unhappiness

Watching the families
Sit around a table
Singing songs
Smiling face

One more week
One more holiday
Suffer through it
And then its over

Until the next one
More painful
Excruciating
One more

Emptiness
Loneliness
Sadness
Alone

One more