Tuesday, March 13, 2012

am i

confusion of who i am and what i am doing. why i am doing it. where am i going.  do i even want to go anywhere. why am i stuck. why dont i move. why am i static. yes i have dreams but im stuck. i cant take those steps to get there. i have a big heart. im even scared to dream. scared to think. scared to be alone in my thoughts. scared to be alone. and then again thats what i am. alone. what am i doing. who have i become. who was i. was i someone. was i anyone. did i really lead a life. was that the real me. was that a life. but why do i always think back to it. why do i get sad. why do i get jealous. jealous of a life that made me miserable. jealous of a life. period. wish i had a life. i know i need to build a new life. from scratch. all over again. so tired. too tired. one more person tells me im so young i might smack them. i feel so old. so tired. no energy. just need to sleep. and yet i avoid sleep. hate the dreams. hate how they take over. take me into the past. relive the pain. so realistic. cant stand being stuck in my thoughts. swimming in my fears. nightmares taking over. so i stay up. and then continue the nasty cycle. and i continue to get nowhere.

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