SO it’s official. It’s been two whole years since we separated. It’s crazy to think how long ago it feels but
it also feels like yesterday. So I’m a big believer in the calendar being
cyclical. We see this in the Jewish calendar, but for some reason I see this in
my life. And it’s possible that I have created the potential for things to happen on specific days but some things
have not been in my control. Yes, you
guessed it. Today is one of those days. July 18 has been a date that I always
seem to remember. It is a date marked by many memories, one that I will never
easily forget.
I guess I’ll start on
the first time that I can recall July 18 having any value. I was 17 and working
in a summer camp. There was this boy who would always talk to me and I was rude
to him and to anyone really. But nonetheless, he was always nice to me. One Friday, this boy asked me if I wanted to
walk with him to Dunkin Donuts after camp. Not sure why I said yes. Probably felt
nice to be liked for the first time. Looking back, I’m surprised that I felt
comfortable to hold his hand the whole way. Anyways, we had to walk the long
way, because we didn’t want anyone to see us together. Both of us were not
allowed to talk to the opposite sex. I remember having to climb a fence. We
were walking in the really bad, black neighborhoods. Not sure how we felt
comfortable sitting in DD, which is so central and Jewishly populated at all
times. But ok. I can’t remember much about our conversation
but I do remember pretty well when he said: “what would you do if some guy
asked you out?” and I answered: “I would tell him that he will fall in love
with me and I will break his heart.” Seems pretty ironic looking back now. But
yes I did say that. Sounds like a line straight out of The Notebook. So then I
guess we decided that we would start dating and we split ways and I went home
and told my mother. She was so excited.
Fast forward one
exact year. Stop right on, yup you guessed it, July 18! My friends and I are at
the major hang out at the time, a restaurant called The Pikes. I’m sitting at
the counter waiting for sushi. (Which is weird because I remember eating sushi
for the first time at least two years later.) Maybe I was just sitting at the
sushi counter, who knows. Back to the point. So I had been really paranoid that
I would run into him wherever I went, but thank G-d, he was a hermit and didn’t
have that many friends. Well of course that night, he comes in to the
restaurant. I turn my back, swivel my stool around and basically had a mini
panic attack. So me and my friends leave. Later that night for some reason we
decided to make each other friendship bracelets and then ran up and down the
street in the rain. Random memory of myself sitting in the bathroom and all of
a sudden, I realize the date. It’s July 18. And I start to freak out. Again.
Now, let’s skip six years. Wow, crazy. It’s eight days after
our second anniversary. We had a beautiful Shabbos. I cooked up a storm. We had
two couples for Friday night dinner. I even baked Challah. I remember sitting
next to him and I think we were getting along. Shabbos day, we walked to his
parents for Seuda Shlishit. Now, my memory is of us holding hands but I also remember
being a Niddah when we separated. So it just comes to show how our minds play
tricks on us. How we remember the details we want and how they may not even be
based on reality. Anyways, that’s Saturday night, we went to a movie night by
friends. I even remember what movie we watched. I think it was called
Surrogates. I sat on the couch and he sat on the floor and then on a chair father
away. My friend told me that she noticed him being distant but I don’t think I felt
that way. Later on, I think he was either sleeping and I woke him up or he was
trying to sleep and I was trying to talk to him. That’s when he said he was
done. I was crying and yelling at him. I couldn’t understand how he could just
give up and how we were soul mates and meant for each other. He said that I
changed. So I asked to describe the girl he fell in love with and I got a piece
of paper and started writing down. This totally pissed him off. I told him that
it’s not me that changed. I was still all those things on that list. It was him
that changed. But he was done. I must
have slept on the couch that night, but I can’t remember. The next morning was,
you guessed it, July 18. Artscape was downtown and all our friends were
planning on going. So I got dressed, put my teal tichel on and told him I was
going to hang out with our friends and that he was not welcome. It was me and
all the couples. That is my reality now. But at the time, I don’t think I understood
what my life was going to become.
Those are the significant memories I have of July 18.
Interestingly enough, I don’t feel any pain today. I just went down memory lane
and don’t feel affected at all. It’s all seems like a lifetime ago.
