in my dreams

I love you
no I dont

ive let go
not really

ive forgotten
nothing

and now
you haunt my dreams

you wont leave
leave me alone

get out of my head
im not yours

so I stay awake
no dreaming

you cant haunt me
its not real

let me be
I need to breathe

I love you
no I dont

please

cherish me 
hold me 
understand me 
care 

value me 
hug me 
accept me 
care 

believe in me 
surround me 
appreciate me 
care 

support me 
touch me 
respect me 
care 

please I beg of you. 
I need you. 
care.

ttc#0

how do I share
a feeling
I cannot express
it burns me inside
it rips me apart
I feel so alone
so lost
not being
who I am
supposed to be

my mission
my reason
my goal
my purpose

to conceive
to carry
to nourish
to deliver
to envelope
to raise
to give
to love

unconditional
forever

I am a mother with no child. ttc#0.
I am a mother in my heart.
One day.
One day.

I will be a mother to a special child.
One day....

a wish

im so lucky that I didnt get pregnant while I was still married 
and I was off of birth control for a long time 
it was hashgacha that I didnt get pregnant 
gd was looking out for me 
now im going through a divorce 
and im so thankful that I dont have a kid w him 
and yes I wish I was a mother 
but its not the right time 

OVERWHELMED

all these files
piled around my desk
begging to be typed
needing to be emailed

pause
the phone rings

all these files
all in stacks
must be filed
filing cabinets are full

pause
the phone rings

all these files
need to reviewed
must be read
and then approved

pause
the phone rings

all these files
day after day
week after week
no break

pause
except for that phone
ringing off the hook



"hello, may I help you?"

shhh dont tell

coming out in the open
even though I shouldnt
felt that thrill
did the unimagineable
shhh
dont tell

its been so long
in truth
thats a lie
more recent than not
shhh
dont tell

unlike anything else
utterly exciting
against the rules
total newness
shhh
dont tell

no name
no emotion
just to feel
for the first time
shhh
dont tell

I call this poem one night stand

intimate relationship

was it just physical
was it just emotional

was it ever
was it ever

was I anything
was I something

was I me
was I real

where were you
where are you

pain
alone
neglect
silence
anger
avoid
ignore

a tear

and now so much space
no one to appease
not a soul in the way
alone in my space

searching
calm
peace
free
dream
breathe

still a tear

Venahapochu

What a difference
One year makes
Drastic change
Nothing similar

No meaning
No direction
No feeling
No emotion

Then
A seuda
Baking challah
Matching costumes
Friends around
Handmade cards
Drinking and eating
Dancing

A life for everyone else

Now
Travel
Get away
Bare minimum
Regular clothes
A family I love
That loves me
Two shalach manos
Give to who?

A life for me

A life for me. For no one else.

music

my soul expresses itself
through lyrics
written by others
tunes composed
notes played

the joy
the sorrow
pure
raw
emotion

I listen
I sing
I dance

this is how I feel. music.

Silence

its quite ironic
how two people
can have
such similar thoughts

last night
as I lay in bed
wishing sleep
a thought occured

so much to write
plenty to say
words exploding in my mind
begging to be let out

as I tossed and turned
I never got out of my spot
to jot those thougths
and unleash my feelings

and today I awoke
and im stuck somehow
the words only appear
when my mind is desperate for rest

tonight
it will begin again

one sheep. two sheep. three. four.