a letter

to the one i have always loved,
i hope she will make you happy.
mazal tov on your wedding day....
- your first wife

Night Before

its not my night

wont be my day

not my event

no smile 

pasted on my face

no dress

no shoes

no hair

no makeup

no dip

no manicure

no family

no cameras

no video

no food

no friends

no butterflies

no excitement

its not my night

wont be my day
not my event

no smile

pasted on my face

no aisle

no chairs

no wine

no hands

no water 

no door

no pictures

no hat

no dance

no joy

no song

no hands

no limo

its not my night 

wont be  my day
not my event

no smile 

pasted on my face

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qb7zjKkLCoQ&feature=related

Broken Human Being

do u think they ever cared about u?

of course

they do in their demented way                   

oh

im not naive

so maybe they r just doing the best they know how

i know they love me

maybe not my mom

shes not capable

but my dad does

thats something

yeah well its not

its like if I love someonebut have never expressed it

what good is that??

i do love

i love lots

so much

my heart is bursting w emotion

just not that anyone can handle

so there is hope for u

but i cant feel it from others

so theres no hope

do u know how mushtherapy ive been in

and the dif kinds

yeah my hands and legs so i couldnt escape

thats when my parents and the psychiatrist were on the same pagei got put on meds they were gonna start taking care of me and paying attentionto me

there was a suicide plan

and then the next day the hospital called and said they had akidney for my mom for transplant

and once again i was forgotten about

started hoarding my pills. never took them. went out of control.ran away and no one noticed me

my mom was so sick

sound familiar?

and u think im loveable

im a hater

the only ppl that i let in are children

i believe u can be loveable

if u wanted

well theres only burnt ashes

u can thank my dad for that

hes just crazy

that hes incapable ofshowing love and being there for me

and being my father

when he is the onlyparent we ever really had

and ive have had tolearn not to rely on him or anyone for that matter

when really all iwanted or need is a hug or an i love u but he doesnt even call or look at me ortalk to me at all

he just ignores me

like i dont exist

so yeah, its prettyhard to function alone in this world

no i dont win

bc i should be a biggirl and use my fake tough girl act and just deal w it

and move on w my life

and stop letting themaffect me so much and ruin me to the core

and i have accomplishednothing

i am crippled

Left Behind

Breathe

Almost gone from the body

Sucked out from the lunges

Threatening to suffocate

On its last wish

Soldier

Fallen on the battlefield

Bleeding, wounded

Left behind

No survivors reported

Pawn

At the players whim

Dispensable, expendable

Another piece of the “plan”

Then gone

Pain

Lodged in my chest

Consumed in my heart

Swallowed in my throat

Wedged in my stomach

Thennothing.

open ur hearts

:) Thank G-d, as of Thursday, I am officially divorced! I have chosen to share this news with all of you and not just my divorced ladies because I want you all to share in my freedom and happiness. I was able to go into Yom Kippur as a free woman, no longer bonded to a life that I wasn't living. I was able to feel some inspiration, which I haven't felt in a long time. I feel very lucky.

I have some thoughts that I want to share with you. Sukkos is coming up and there are six meals for first days and six meals for second days. In total that is 12 meals that you wonderful woman will be making for your families. You will sitting in your beautiful sukkas with your husbands and children and enjoying your yom tov. I know too many women who don't have meals for the upcoming holiday. Who eat a deli sandwich before Friday night and then go to sleep for most of Shabbos. Who miss havdalah a lot of weeks. my request for you is not to feel quilty or to be upset by what I'm writing. It is to be aware and open up your eyes. If there is an almana or divorced woman or man in your neighborhood, give them a call. Have your husband go up to him in shul and ask him what meal he's coming for. It means the world to us. You would be shocked to know how little invites we get. But we smile through it anyways.

If you want to know people in your neighborhood, I know plenty.

Thank you for taking the time to listen.

confused guy

• hey how was your fast..just wanted to say that as a 25 year old if u wanted to end things do it the right way instead of crying. i didnt even know we were going out.im not mad or anything its just if u have to say something to me do it without crying. if the crying was an act it was a good one. i think youre a good person and maybe the long distance thing is too much. one thing more: were u angry that i said no to u coming this sat night? actually i was going to come to u on monday so we can discuss this but it doesnt matter now . i wish u luck with everything and may this year bring only good things. be well