lettuce

an extra scoop? I think so 
salad for lunch? I think not 
sprinkels? you bet 
splenda? no way 
2 slices? for sure 
fruit? I can do that 

am I bunny rabbit that I can live off of lettuce all day. 
a size 2 is not for me. hell, a size 12, maybe. 
WHY THE PRESURE. 
is it doing any good. 
im going to lay on my death bed and think back. 
hmmm how many salads did I eat. 
or how many ice cream sundays. 

I work hard every day 
to accept me for me 
and not compare to others 
I want to enjoy this life I was given 
not waste it 
trying to fit in 
to an impossible 
quota 

you decide

keep it up

keep it up
i cant tell
as you walk by
and we all pretend
that nothings changed
that alls the same
yet you dont say hi
or even
look me in the eye

keep it up
i cant tell
as you talk
behind my back
and gossip
about lies
that youve made up
and spread around
for all to hear

keep it up
i cant tell
as you mock
my choice in life
when was it even mine to make
but blame is mine
and so is shame
no matter what
is real or fake

keep it up
i cant tell
as you block
my every move
preventing me
from going on
to recover
and gather
all that i have lost

keep it up
i cant tell

my week

opening up scares me. even this scares me. because once its out in the open. then im responsible for changing. and I cant. I wish I was never born. I wish I died last year. I want people to miss me and worry about me. I want them to suffer. and I want my pain to end. im sick of everyone thinking im strong. im not. im weak and I hate myself. and I still love him. and I hate myself for that. I cant move on. because this is all wrong. and no one cares. im sick of pretending like everything is ok. I hate gd. stop punishing me. im a good person!! I was really trying. whyd You let this happen. I want to feel nothing. I want to be dead. and I want them all to come to my funeral and feel pain. and realize what they lost. and what they did to me. and that its too late. and they will never get forgiveness. and he will regret what he's done. all three of them. stop burning me. im burnt to a crisp. theres no where left to fry. im sizzling. 

yeah. this week was great!

here goes post #1

why wont he answer my call?
you'd think that giving him seven years of your life is not enough?
so what if we're getting divorced!!
the decent thing to do is to at least answer!!
i'm ready to show up at his house and make a scene.
always making an issue.
well, of course im gonna make a scene.
he makes me crazy!!!
just answer my call. damn it!!!