Remember

April 7 of 2008
Waiting
A saturday night
Go on a date
Can't decide what to wear
On the phone
Putting on make up
So nervous
When will it happen
Pick me up in a van
Forgot your wallet
Wait outside your parents house
Drive downtown
Walking around the harbor
Awkward conversation
Linking park playing
Sit on a bench
Playing with two quarters
"I'll give you whats in my pocket if you give me what's in yours"
Trade
A little royal purple bag
Tied closed
Inside is a ring
"so what's your answer?"
"to what?"
I look closely at the ring
Hold it up to the light
תתנשאי לי רחל?
Will you marry me
Engraved
On the inside
A bride and groom
באהבה לנצח נפתלי

I awkwardly say of course
And we are engaged
I want to call the world
I have waited a lifetime
No you say
You want it to be just us
Until midnight
We call my parents
They are thrilled
Probably relieved
We call your parents
They are sleeping
We cannot tell anyone else
Until your parents know
Arrive at your house
Wake up your mother
She drinks a shot
A lechayim
Hands me a bracelet
It is do ugly
She says it's unique like me
And I hate it
She goes back to sleep
That was our lechayim
I can now call friends
Everyone is thrilled
It's about time
As if they waited longer than me
And that's how we got engaged

One more

Seems like a regular day
Sun is shining
Birds are chirping
Car alarm beeping

Adults off from work
Children off from school
Its saturday
Family time

Looks can be deceiving
Adults would rather sleep
Children want to play with friends
And the day drags on

Seems like a regular day
And yet it's not
It's shabbos
It's pesach

Supposed holiness
Beauty and warmth
Hapiness And joy
Spirituality

Family time
Requires family
A support system
Loving people

And yet where is it
Sacrificed life
Abandoned love
Forced loneliness

Minutes feel like hours
Hours as long as days
Days will not pass
Aging you quickly

Considered young
Look even younger
No understanding
But feel ancient

An internal storm
External hurricane
Whirlwind of feelings
Explosion of memories

Dreaming of the past
Nightmares of the pain
Wishing for that life
Of pure unhappiness

Watching the families
Sit around a table
Singing songs
Smiling face

One more week
One more holiday
Suffer through it
And then its over

Until the next one
More painful
Excruciating
One more

Emptiness
Loneliness
Sadness
Alone

One more

A friend

Need a friend
Who doesn't
Leave
Who I dont
Push way
Who doesn't
Feel threatened
Or intimidated
One who calls
Checks in
To see how I am
Cares
Loves
Unconditionally
A shoulder
To cry on
A listening ear
A closed mouth
No advice
Just a nod
A wink
Understanding
Sympathy
Empathy
To chill
Hang out
Talk
Someone
Anyone
Who won't
Abandon
Or forget
Neglect
Judge
Criticize
A friend
To spill
To unleash
To tell all
Let go
Pour my heart out
Opening up
Being raw
Bare
To the core
Truthful
honest
Need a friend
Who doesn't
Leave

Whatever

I'm pissed
Annoyed
Angry
At you
But not really at you
Bc it's not Ur fault
U didn't do anything
But the fact that Ur on the east coast is the worst feeling
Ur so close
And yet sooo flippin far away
A million miles away
The distance is overwhelming
And you are not here w me
You are not here to see me
Nor are we gonna see each other
You don't even call
Or text
Which is probably the right thing
And is my fault
Because I constantly
Send mixed messages
About what I feel
What I want
Because what I want
And what I need
Are two different things
Reality is something else
All together
Fantasy is insane
It takes over
And controls a person
In the most unhealthy way
Leaves you empty
At the end of the day
Whatever

Unyielding

A need
Can't be filled
Desperate
For attention
Trapped
Someone else
Me
Too nervous
Scared
Overwhelming
Intense
Unyielding
Escape
Explore
Breathe
Calm
Relax
Dream
Serene
Someone else
Me
Adjust
Address

Lyrical

Let me be myself
With my own light
If you dont mind
Please
For a while
All you do is treat me bad
Why must we separate
Why you do me like you do
When the night falls
When loneliness calls
I wanna dance with somebody
I wanna feel the heat with somebody
I still remember everything you said
How come you don't call me anymore
I'm begging you please
Why on earth can't you just pick up the phone
You know I don't like to be alone
It's a quarter after one
I just need you now
Another shot of whiskey
Kind of hard to talk right now
I gotta whisper cuz I can't be too loud
Its really good to hear your voice saying my name
With the lips of an angel
It's funny that you're calling me tonight
Maybe I know somewhere in my soul
That love never lasts
I've always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable distance
Because none of it was worth the risk
I know you're leaving in the morning when you wake up
You are the only exception
All the sounds you make
In between the sheets
Im so addicted to the sounds you make
Just when I think I can walk away

am i

confusion of who i am and what i am doing. why i am doing it. where am i going.  do i even want to go anywhere. why am i stuck. why dont i move. why am i static. yes i have dreams but im stuck. i cant take those steps to get there. i have a big heart. im even scared to dream. scared to think. scared to be alone in my thoughts. scared to be alone. and then again thats what i am. alone. what am i doing. who have i become. who was i. was i someone. was i anyone. did i really lead a life. was that the real me. was that a life. but why do i always think back to it. why do i get sad. why do i get jealous. jealous of a life that made me miserable. jealous of a life. period. wish i had a life. i know i need to build a new life. from scratch. all over again. so tired. too tired. one more person tells me im so young i might smack them. i feel so old. so tired. no energy. just need to sleep. and yet i avoid sleep. hate the dreams. hate how they take over. take me into the past. relive the pain. so realistic. cant stand being stuck in my thoughts. swimming in my fears. nightmares taking over. so i stay up. and then continue the nasty cycle. and i continue to get nowhere.