Onward

To see the next chapter, check out my new blog:

www.freedomoflight.blogspot.com

Another Test

I know this is a test
And that means I am strong
That you have faith in me
I have fallen
And gotten right back up
I am a champion

But really
Is this necessary
how much can I withstand
Why the need to gloat
Waving it in my face
I get it

I get it.

I can

I am

Soldier
Warrior
Fighter
Disciplined
Dedicated
Motivated

I have

Survived
Succeeded
Accomplished
Overcome
Developed
Arrived

I will

Have
Hold
Live
Love
Give
Cherish

I can be Happy.

Unwritable

I am happy
I am no longer depressed
i am confused

my creative side flew out the window
Nothing to write
nothing to paint
boring



I am unwritable.

My Scars

My Scars

Some are real
Tangible
Some are symbolic
Untouchable

They cover wounds
Buried deep
Stitched and stapled
Into my soul

You look at me
And would never know
That my wounds
Were once
Gaping open
Bleeding out
For all to see

Now
They are neat little red lines
Hidden
Even i cant see some
They are so well concealed

The pain
Has mostly faded
Reappears
Sporadically
When least expected

My scars
They tell a story
The story of my life

They may be healed
But they are still there
They are mine
They are my story to tell

Written by a Stroke patient

How to Help Someone Who Has Had a Stroke

1. I am not stupid. I am wounded. Please respect me.
2. Come close, speak slowly, enunciate clearly.
3. Repeat yourself. Assume I know nothing and start from the beginning, over and over.
4. Be as patient with me the twentieth time you teach me something as you were the first.
5. Approach me with an open heart and slow your energy down. Take your time.
6. Be aware of what your body language and facial expressions are communicating to me.
7. Make eye contact with me. I am in here - come find me.
8. Please don't raise your voice. I am not deaf, I am wounded.
9. Touch me appropriately. Connect with me.
10. Honor the healing power of sleep.
11. Protect my energy. No talk radio, TV, or nervous visitors! Keep visitations brief {5 minutes}.
12. Stimulate my brain when I have the energy to learn something new. But know that a small amount will wear me out quickly.
13. Use age-appropriate {toddler} educational toys and books to teach me.
14. Introduce me to things kinesthetically. Let me feel everything, as if I were an infant again.
15. Teach me with monkey-see, monkey-do behavior.
16. Trust that I am trying - just not with your skill level or on your schedule.
17. Ask me multiple choice questions. Avoid yes/no questions.
18. Ask me questions with specific answers. Allow me time to hunt for an answer.
19. Do not assess my cognitive ability by how fast I can think.
20. Handle me gently, as you would a newborn.
21. Speak to me directly, not about me, to others.
22. Cheer me on! Expect me to recover completely, even if it takes 20 years.
23. Trust that my brain can always continue to learn.
24. Break all actions down into smaller steps of action.
25. Look for what obstacles prevent me from succeeding on a task.
26. Clarify for me what the next level or step is so that I know what I am working for.
27. Remember that I have to be proficient at one level of function to move on to the next level.
28. Celebrate all of my little successes! They inspire me.
29. Please don't finish my sentences or fill in words I cannot find. I need to work my brain.
30. If I can't find a memory, help me to create a new one.
31. Know that I may want you to think I understand more than I really do.
32. Focus on what I can do rather than bemoan what I cannot.
33. Introduce me to my old life. Don't assume that because I cannot play like I used to doesn't mean that I won't continue to enjoy music.
34. Remember that in the absence of some functions, I have gained other abilities.
35. Keep me familiar with my family, friends, and loving support. Build a wall of cards and photos that are labeled so that I can review them.
36. Call in the troops! Create a healing team for me. Send word out to everyone so they can send me love. Keep them abreast of my condition and ask them to do specific things for me - like pray/visualize me being able to swallow with ease, or rocking my body into a sitting position.
37. Be protective of me but do not stand in the way of my progress.
38. Show me old video footage of me doing things to remind me of how I spoke, walked, and gestured.
39. Remember that my medications probably make me feel tired, as well as mask my ability to know what it feels like to be me.
40. Love me for who I am today. Don't hold me to being the person I was before. I have a different brain now.

 http://www.aish.com/tp/ss/ssw/184676771.html

thought provoking convo

• 
  

  Her: so what's his haskafa now?
  me: seems to be frum but not in a box
  her: vague but ok and i don't know if this is too personal to ask before even meeting, but how much did he take out in loans to go to school?
  me: yeah i dont know that much. well from my understanding he works so he's paid for most of it
  her: and what are his prospects for actually getting into med school?
  and he got money from the armybec- med school is about 9 years- so 10 years from now he'll be done
  not horrible as it sounds- but still- we'll be 36
  Me: prospects meaning schools? or money? grades?
  haha 36 thats not freaky at all
  Her: you barely get anything from the israeli army
  Me: i think he got 10k
  yeah i obviously dont know that much about him
  and im not such a fan of the whole med school thing but im willing to give him a shot
  Her: for sure
  just wanted to give you some of the q's i learnt are impt abt med school specifically
  Me: thanks
  i def thought of u when i found this part out
  he was just the first decent guy that came up
  so i couldnt just blow it off
  Her: med school sucks even if the guy makes it thru
  you would need to support the two of you for at least 4 yrs
  since you only start geting paid in 5th yr
  Me: yeah yeah sounds like super fun
  ugh im never gonna get married
  ;PPPP
  not frustrated in the least
  ;PPP
  Her: and if you had kids, you need to realize he wouldn't ever- even after school- be able to do a 50/50 split of the parenting
  listen- i'm not saying it's wrong
  i'm saying you really need to be honest with yourself if that is a lifestyle you could not be bitter about
  Me: no i agree with u. its not the life style i want but is that a reason to say no?
  Her: yes actually
  Me: if everything else matches up (not that i know that for sure)
  Her: you were married once to a guy who committed himself to a lot of other responsibilites and it made you miserable when he only came home for a couple hours each night where he was actually awake
  Me: for me a definite no is to someone learning,
  but this? im not sure
  Her; for some ppl that's fine- but you got really depressed- and obviously there were other issues- but this is a biggie
  doctors can't be there for you whenever you need them to be emotionally
  Me: yes bc those few hours together were miserable, but had we gotten aliong and had mutual repsect for each other and actually appreciated each other, those "other' activitied wouldnt have bothered me as much
  Her: they have one of the highest rates of divorce cuz of this
  Me: haha
  Her: it's not a joke
  maybe you fought more bec he wasn't around as much as you needed
  or maybe thst really had nothing to do w it
  but just really think on it bef getting involved
  Me: iim not really laughing
  Her: ppl rationalize a lot once they're actually in a relationship
  Me: truthfully i dont have the answers
  Her: you can't until you live it
  me: yeah i know
  sigh
  Her: but you can know yourself enough to think about how much you need the other person to be available to you to be happpy
  it was the thing i hated the most about moshe wanting to go to med school
  Me: i agree with that. and i also know that im a totally dif person than i was first time around
  my needs are totally different.
  Her: i'm pretty independent- even within our relationship
  Me: yeah i hear
  Her: but i have been sick as balls throughout this pregnancy and i would've cried my whole way through it if i was always alone
  and i really don't want to be a single parent within a marriage
  Me: well im glad u have him now. thank god for small miracles
  Her: speak to z
  she struggles with this a lot
  b'li ayin harah
  Me: i guess ive just really adapted to being alone all the time, so the thought doesnt phase me as much
  maybe im desensitized
  Her: it's dif when you know you're alone
  it's easier- mentally- to be a single parent (sometimes)- then it is to be married but doing 90% of the parenting
  cuz you keep expecting the other person to chip in, but they just aren't capable
  did that make sense?
  Me: for sure
  her: like- you keep thinking that they can pick up the kids from school if you're sick, or show up to their school functions, or help plan a party- but they can't
  Me: it just doesnt make me feel any better
  Her: speak to z
  she would know more abt the struggles of this type of lifestyle than me
  and then you can make an educated decision to get involved with this guy
  i'm not trying to be super negative or tell you this is a bad idea
  Me: i actually thought about z last night
  Her: i'm trying to lay out the facts of this situation- so you can go into it with real expectations
  Me: but i think in the end of the day, theyre one of the greatest couples i know. i dont think shed give up her life w s. i think its a long run kind of picture
  i honestly have no expectations
  thats one of my problems
  Her: true- but i know she's miserable right now
  to the point where i would say she may be clinically depressed
  Me: really?
  thats bad
  Her: i'm not a professional
  Her: and shes having a third
  yeah but u have enough knowlede about it
  Her: but she seems so down and she's always bringing up how hard it is when i do see her
  Me: yeah i noticed that
  Her: it's not a question of whether at this point she would give up her life w s
  it's a question of- if she could have all the info she has now abt how it would really affect her mentally, would she have tried to find someone else
  Me: the question is would i want an amazing husband like shua, knowing what life would be like
  i dont think she would
  Her: also- part of the amazingness is how understanding she is
  like when he comes over alone on sundays to watch the game for 4 hours
  Me: so ur saying that i might not be that understanding?
  Her: that would not go over well w me
  Me: he still does that
  yikes
  nor me
  Her: yes i am saying you are not z
  and neither am i
  Me: right
  Her: someone else's good marriage would not be mine or yours
  it's where the idea that there is someone for everyone comes from
  Me: true true
  ugh why do i have to go through this again
  Her: fuck if i know
  Me: sometimes i wonder if it would have just been easier to stay in my marriage
  not that i had much of a choice
  Her: no
  i can tell you that in no uncertain terms
  Me: my memory is def tainted
  ha
  that sounds like a good poem
  tainted memory
  Her: boo
  Me: yes?
  Her: there are ppl who may have had some hope for a happy life who chose to get divorced instead
  you guys did not
  you wanted dif things
  you needed dif things
  and you were both miserable bec they were uncompromisable
  Me: but its funny (or not so funny) that a lot of things that i didnt want then, are things i want now
  Her like sending your kids to TI?
  Me: ha
  Her or wearing tights in the summer?
  Me: i wonder if he'll even send his kids there
  Her: or having a husband who learns for two hours a night
  Me: it was more the point of lack of being able to compromise on anything
  Her: some things cannot be compromised
  and somethings can be
  maybe he compromised on not freaking when you wore flip flops and not hose in the summer
  Me: listen, if i met a guy and he wanted a chavrusa and he was really smart and was actually learning and gaining something. and was able to bring that home and share it at our shabbos table, i wouldnt be so against it
  what bothered me so much is how unproductive he was in his "super" frumness
  Her: but both of you knew that he wanted a aidel super frummy
  Me: and yet he listened to rap and had no problem watching a naked woman in a movie
  Her: either way- my point was to drive home that the grass was not greener over there
  Me: i couldnt find justification in that
  the grass was def not greener
  Her: case in point- how much weight did you gain during your marriage?
  bec that is one of the greatest indicators sometimes
  Me: my point is- would i rather be married and unhappy or never get remarried
  and im not sure
  Her: those shouldn't be the trade off
  and miserable w someone is always worse
  i cried way less when i was back in america and moshe was in rehab and i was contemplating divorce, than i did while i was still in israel
  being w someone who is supposed to be someone who is making your life more joyous, and who is doing the complete opposite, is worse than being alone
  and maybe i don't have complete authority to say that since i didn't end up choosing divorce
  but i have seen enough of my parents, and other who chose divorce, and others who chose to stay married
  sure- there are good parts even within a bad marriage
  Me: i cant tell u what authority u do and dont have. but i dont think uve seen both worlds completley
  Her: but how screwed up are our friends whose parents have the worst marriages but chose to stay together?
  Me: and yes obviously like i said my memories are tainted. i remember only what i want to remember.
  Her: i know i haven't
  that's a coping mechanism
  i'm still married bec i'm the same way
  Me: and for me to think that i will never be married again is a very painful thought that i try and avoid
  Her: i can't imagine
  it's hard for me as your friend
  but it was also painful to see you going through the last part of your marriagte
  the goal is to be happy an fulfilled
  and the reason i bring up kids a lot- is bec sometimes it's hard to identify exactly how a bad marriage w some good parts affect you
  bec we are able to block out the memories we don't want to remember, and focus on the parts that we do
  but when you see how it affects kids, it's easier to see- sometimes- how much it's affected them to see you going through something so bad
  in an ideal world, parents would always be there to see their children through their bad days, but we would never have to witness our parents suffering
  Me: i definitely get that. that is one of the main reasons for our divorce. i didnt want him to be a parent to my children
  and we have all witnessed too much of our parents suffering that i couldnt bring myself to do that to my future children, please god
  but it doesnt take away the "what ifs" that take over
  Her: so as much as it must suck to be single and have the worry of always being single hanging over your head-
  the answer to me is that a bad marriage is more traumatic
  Me: and that as much as i have moved on and let go theres a small part of me that doesnt think ill ever be able to get over it completely
  Her: i think that's something most divorced ppl would tell you if they were being completely honest
  why do you think my dad hasn't given my mom a get?
  Me: bc he likes the control
  Her: bec to some level he's still emotionally involved
  you only want to control ppl you are somewhat invested in emotionally
  and love/hate or whatever are closely related and can easily turn from one another
  Me: dotn i know that first hand
  its funny when ppl tell me im so young. u wanna just shake them and say if only u knew what ive been thru. im sure u can say the same
  Her: yeah
  someone actually said at the OBGYN's office
  omg you are so young to be having a baby
  Me: ha
  Her: i ddn't even bring up the fact that i am by far the last of my married friends to do so
  Me: did u tell her that ur friends are having their third?
  Her: i was like- i've been married 5 yrs
  me: yeah preaching to the choir
  Her: moved halfway around the world
  Me: and what did she say
  Her: and had my husband go nuts, go to rehab, and work through sobriety
  i didn't answer her
  i just kind of nodded
  it's not her business
  but as much as age is a factor in some things
  in experience i've always felt old
• i've gone through a lot of stuff- either bec of my parents or bec of moshe- that most ppl never go throughMe: yeah me tooHer: yeah you haveMe: that why we get each other ;PHer: and thank god- at the point i'm at now- despite us being the poorest we've even been- it's the most right time for us to be having a babyMe: that greatim glad to hear thatits the happiest ive ever seen uHer: m's doing well, he's working a lot, he's studying for the DAT and doing really well on his practice tests- so his prospects are way better than they ever were w med school and i walways wanted him to be a dentistthey work 9-5 4 days a weekMe:  nicesounds much betterHer: so he finally has the wherewithal to actually be a totally functional parenthe's super involved and comes to all of my appt's cuz he wants toMe: and btw the answer to how mich weight i gained. from the day ni went to israel till the day we got separated i went from 150 to 230 poundsHer: and for the first time in our marriage it's a true 50/50Me: thats amazingi feel like a proud mamaHer: that's the only memory you should hang on to if you ever doubt your decisionsMe: yeah i guess ive forgotten all thatand not that im that much skinnier now but im way healthier and feel sooo much betterHer: anyways i'm techinically working so i've gotta do something bef the end of the dayi know it's tough now- but my hope for you- and for all of my friends- married or unmarried- is to find someone who doesn't make your insecurities worseand who doesn't mind your personality flawsMe true truethis was niceher: your- the collective youme: thanks for always being the voice of reasonim always here for u if u needher: thanks for not getting mad like my sis in law did when i spoke to herme: not at alli hope to not be stupid second time aroundor as stupid